I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.