Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.