Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”