Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.