I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.