*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Whoa 😂
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!