Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
You Might Also Like
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.