2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.