me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Wise advice
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS