Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
United Steaks of America
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing