When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
6: are snakes just neck?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom