LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Meanwhile in Portland…
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Oh yeah that’s it
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.