Bartenders are just boneless bars
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I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.