People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*puts cutlery down*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”