I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.