I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
The hardest thing Vision has to do