Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
You Might Also Like
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.