[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Perfect
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
i smell a pulitzer
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.