STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
You Might Also Like
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I think they could have phrased this better
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Twitter is an abusement park.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT