Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.