PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.