I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
You Might Also Like
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Challenge accepted.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️