My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
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are they though??
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom: