what
You Might Also Like
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
😅🤣😂
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
He wanted to make sure😂
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*