my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.