Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.