6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
KFC hitting the cannibal market
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!