You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.