[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.