Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.