Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”