When you try jalapeños for the first time
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*