Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
How actors in movies eat their food
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.