My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.