Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
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John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
CUTE CAT‼︎
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I am having an out of money experience.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.