It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.