No YOUR a grammar nazi!
You Might Also Like
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
How do you like your Corgi?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Trying
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US