[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Yeah. This was me today.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”