Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Brother?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”