i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
You Might Also Like
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Canada has crack?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Nothing to do, you say?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt