Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
💯😂
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.