[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You Might Also Like
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I have never related to a cat more
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
grotesque if literal: baby food
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.