Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
mentally somewhere in italy
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent