I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Breaking news:
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me as a therapist: omg same
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-