Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Risking my life for fun.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?