Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.