[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
12653.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.