A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers