2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth