you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
english majors be like furthermore
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste